One year later - Godspeed to the consummate horseman

 September 12 was the one year mark of Jean-Paul's accident - and when life as I knew it stopped.  To say that it's been a rough ride would be the ultimate understatement. But I'm still standing, still riding, still working, and most of all trying to keep my head above water. 

When we made our will a few years ago JP had said that he wanted his ashes to be spread on our property and the riding trails. At the time I was "sure, no problem"... never thinking I would have to face the reality of actually doing this. It took me a year to get the strength to do it. Luckily, Vanessa offered her support and to accompany me on horseback.

So last Sunday we saddled the boys and went on the trails. I carried the ashes in a backpack while riding Chambord. It's almost like Chambord knew what was going on, he was so careful. It was most certainly the first time in his life that he carried a crying rider. I accidentally spilled some of the ashes on Chambord, but then, those two were two peas in a pod so after the first shock I thought it was very fitting.

 I'm glad that I was able to do this: A perfect and very fitting "Godspeed" to the love of my life and consummate horseman. 

💔

Pretty is as pretty does - and hey, there is a horse on the cover

 First major snowstorm of the year. Yesterday we were basically snowed in, until Brad's snow removal team could get to our driveway. When the tractor sold I hired a company to cut the grass in the summer and to clear the driveway in the winter. I still have to shovel my way around the house and to the barn. though. Quote from the Brad: "We don't shovel!". Also, I'm a bit at their mercy when it comes to timing. No big deal, however, as our dirt roads are not getting plowed quickly any venture out has to be very necessary.

I had stocked up on horse, dog, cat, and human food (notice the order of importance!) ahead of time, so we are fine hunkering down for some days. My biggest worry was that we lose power, not uncommon in our wooded area. Not sure that I could get the generator going, but luckily, I can call on Laurel, and there are also a couple of generator-savvy neighbors that might be able to help. Still, not a position I want to find myself in. 

It looks very pretty. As the saying goes, though, "pretty is as pretty does" - dealing with all this snow is a major pain. I so appreciate my friends and the community of horse women in the area. We text to check in on each other to see if everything's OK, if anyone needs anything. And after night check I have to let Donna know that I'm safely back in the house. Knowing that I have a village (albeit a tiny one) around me keeps my spirits up and the loneliness at bay. 

View from my kitchen window - BEFORE it snowed all night!
Love the solar lanterns

During breaks between shoveling snow and manure, feeding the crew, and drinking liters of tea (thank you, Stephanie!) I started reading "The Horsewoman" by James Patterson. It's rather cheesy and predictable, and some of the statements are just wrong, for example there are several references on "patting the horse on the side of the head" (while mounted). That would require to crank the horse's head all around, not exactly proper. But it's entertaining, and I do enjoy the references to Wellington. Brings back fond memories of happier times. And hey, major selling point: There is a horse on the cover!

When you can't ride you can find the perfect match (in clothes) - and the 'curse' of being a strong woman

Too cold to ride and a snowstorm on the horizon. What's a woman to do? Trying to find the perfect match in clothes, color coordinating riding outfits for better days. My lovely client Anna gave me a beautiful pair of German winter riding gloves in a stunning brown/rosegold color for Christmas. And as luck would have it: I just have the matching vest. It might be a bit superficial but I do like to be well dressed. Just makes me feel better, and JP always loved it. I can still hear him say "Tu est tres belle", or "c'est tres jolie". 💔 

Perfect match!

I saw this post and found it so right on:

Battling winter blues with wise words for me and cookies for the boys

The boys and I are effectively 'benched': Too cold, too icy, too snowy and treacherous for either trail-riding or using the trailer. As expected, it contributed to a tailspin on my part. But then Jen came on Saturday, volunteering to hand walk the boys with me. She came bearing gifts: Homemade cookies for the boys. They looked so yummy I was tempted to snag one. Of course, the boys are in love with her! Both Chambord and Remy were quite "spicy" (Jen's way of saying "full of it") during the walk but it was fun. Afterwards all four boys enjoyed cookies, and the humans warmed up with tea and delicious muffins. It seems it takes a village to provide us with sustenance: Stephanie sent me wonderful herbal tea from Germany, Angie gave me her yummy gluten free pumpkin muffins, and the boys delighted in Jen's baking. 

Teamwork: Claudia's recipe, Jen's baking, and the guys enjoying 😋

Today we are under a winter weather advisory and it has been snowing incessantly all day. I came across a post from Keystone Equine (keystoneequine.net) that couldn't have been more appropriate or timely, and it really put things in perspective for me:

"Seasons and reasons…

It has taken me most of my life, through seasons of depression and dread, to truly understand myself. I have learned that while spring, summer and autumn are for my horses… winter is just for me.

My country is a land of blasting wind and inhospitable temperatures from early November until late April. It is not unheard of to experience snowfall in every month of the year. Today, I have watched the sun climb reluctantly over our big hill at 9:30 this morning and disappear again behind the Rockies, a few short hours later, at 4:30 in the afternoon. With temps reaching below the minus thirties, skin freezes instantly. Our faces burn and our eyes feel dry. It becomes difficult to focus.

I have not always done well in this environment.

I have had to make peace with the fact that, for many months, my horses’ schooling and fitness will suffer. Instead of saying that I am falling behind, I now call it ‘turnout’. This is the time for them to recharge and remember the spirit in which God made them. I have had to remind myself that my garden, too, needs time to replenish her roots and get ready for her coming splendour.

I have had to learn that all of my passions do not begin and end with warm weather!

This one has been hard, for in fact, they secretly do… but I am learning to love taking short snow-blown walks with cavorting dogs. I have even embraced a new sport, by trying traditional skijoring behind my quietest and most accommodating horses. I cannot and never have been able to ski but no matter. It has surprised me to find that I can still be silly and have fun. In adulting responsibly, I had somehow forgotten how.

I have learned that there is satisfaction in the doing of the day’s chores, of thawing frozen water lines, of getting the cold truck started for the icy trip to town. Oh, that I may never forget the satisfaction of horses feeding, after opening a beautiful, homegrown bale of hay.

I have learned that much of my depression has been the by product of today’s modern diet. Processed foods relying on chemicals, added sugars and all manner of unpronounceable ingredients, have had me reliant on other means to cope with the fallout of eating things that do not promote life. So much of what I have swallowed has fostered unwellness.

I have lived too many years, thinking that I would do anything to lose weight… except look after myself.

I have learned that this dark, long season is the one where I take long baths, make wholesome soups and stews brimful with root vegetables, do some mending or making. I remember that wellness lies in creating and resting, in looking after myself for a change. I organize neglected closets and old photos, taking the time to order some prints to frame. I can gaze at these happy moments from summers past and when I do, I allow myself to dream. I stop shaming myself about wanting—and then, taking—the nap.

I turn off the things with screens and I read. Real books with covers to crack open and pages to turn. Some of us have somehow forgotten about the quiet meditation of reading, along the way.

Every winter, I try to repaint a room. This is not a chore to cross off a long list but a fun way to try on a colour I hadn’t thought of, to brighten my horizons, to have me see my home with fresh eyes. I fill boxes with things I no longer cherish, sending them on to the charity shop, for others to enjoy. This one simple act of service is a powerful antidepressant on days when my hope is flagging.

Winter is the time when I make the dental and medical appointments to head off the bad surprises that threaten us all as we age. With chin held high, I resolutely make my way to the free screening clinics where I am squished, squeezed, poked and prodded in the hopes of an all-clear. I find that during the hurly-burly of warm weather, I can’t spare the time or be bothered to do this essential act of self care. It can be an exhausting thing, worrying through the night that I may be harbouring another illness. I am learning to do better, promising myself that above all, I deserve to know what’s going on.

Seasons and reasons. They remind me that sharp weather is actually my quiet time to rebuild and heal. This dark thing that has had me withdrawing from and fearing winter, has taken me years to learn how to handle. Like a challenging horse, I cannot master her with force… but with calmness, faith and understanding.

Winter is my time to listen." - Keystone Equine

Almost in tech heaven - and the boys are on a 'cold break'

 Yay, after a nerve-racking three (!) hours in the store I am now the proud owner of an IPhone 13 and an Apple Watch 7. I had been warned that a transfer from Android to Apple would be a pain, but I didn't expect that much pain. But it was well worth it! So happy that I now have the watch that hopefully watches out for me (pun intended) and calls emergency services should I have an accident. 

Unfortunately, we are still in a deep freeze, so the boys are basically loafing around, eating tons of hay and producing tons of manure. My job is to provide hot water (to thaw the outside tank), plenty of food, and then be the 'sanitary worker' that cleans up after. I did manage to get a lesson in with Vanessa, and Remy was a very good boy. He seems happy to get an 'entertainment break'. It would be so nice if I could board him for the worst of the winter but alas, no room. I've become quite good at hitching the trailer (as well as backing it up into the parking spot), but by the time I have everything hooked up I'm already frozen so that dampens my enthusiasm for trailering. If I wouldn't love my lessons so much I'd quit riding altogether during the winter. 

Needless to say, I was quite happy to visit a client that has a solarium in the barn - it sure is nice to stand under the heat lamps while working. The horses and I appreciate it very much. It's also very uplifting to get the feedback afterwards from the rider "...he was jumping around outside, dancing like a happy clam, you clearly made him feel better...". OK, I would have loved to see a horse dancing like a happy clam😀.

I do love the Nietzsche quote I came across recently:

"He/she who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How"

So grateful that I have so many Whys (my animals -they need me the most-, friends, family, equine clients) to live for💓 The biggest "Why" of all is Jean-Paul: He wouldn't want me to give up, or let myself go to pieces. I did promise him to take good care of everyone - myself included. 

"Baby, it's too cold outside" - and if he works that well he may be allowed to small bite

 Ah, winter in Michigan. Say hello to deep freeze. Right now it's 14F (-10C) and that is the warmest part of the day. The tank heater in the run in shed is unsuccessful in keeping the water from freezing, so I'm carrying hot water from the house to the barn so the horses have drinking water during the day. I feed hay in hay bags four times a day, with the last and largest feeding at 10 p.m. Quite the service! 

Ziggy says: "Baby, it's way too cold outside"

In the freezing cold this morning Bob, my nice hay farmer, brought a pickup load of hay to make sure I'm not running out. Luckily Laurel and Dolores volunteered to help me stack the hay = women power (or as Laurel put it: "this is how things get done") Bob agreed, but then he was outnumbered anyway. 

Remy and I had to have a serious discussion yesterday morning. Apparently he was not happy with the speed of the breakfast service, and when I turned my back to get the buckets out of the cupboard he bit me in the back. Nothing serious, but still, so not acceptable, buddy! Later on I took him to a lesson with Vanessa. Remy was pretty amazing, the most uphill, through, and in front of the leg I've ever felt him. Guess if he works that well I should allow him a *small* bite from time to time!

A big challenge will be tomorrow: Switching from my Android to an IPhone. I dread losing a lot of information, but so be it. I do need an Apple Watch for the fall detection feature, as I am working often alone with client horses, and also riding on my own at home. My tech savvy friend and neighbor Ed went with me to the store last week, and I thought the easy -and cheaper- way would be to get a Galaxy watch for my Android. Good thought - bad execution. For some reason the health app (for fall detection) did not work. Two frustrating hours and not much to show for, other than 'education'. 

Every day is a new challenge, the grief comes in waves and sometimes I feel like getting swallowed up in it. Add to that a myriad of other problems (frozen pipes, unexpected bills, truck and trailer repair and service needs, etc.), and sometimes I am just overwhelmed by all the work and issues that need to be tackled. But then I remember all those small and large gestures of love and friendship I am receiving and I straighten my crown and fight another day. 

💗

And so we are in 2022 ... and all he needs are trailrides and cookies

 What can I say? I 'survived' my birthday, Christmas, and Silvester (New Year's) and didn't fall into a deep depression, for which I am very grateful. It's the 'village' around me that keeps me going, between my animals, friends, neighbors, and family I am carried in this storm (I deliberately say "in" as I'm not "through" and I may never will). 

Chambord had me worried, for a few days he didn't want to eat his food and he seemed lethargic and depressed. My wonderful vet did a thorough check up, and it turns out that clinically he is in perfect shape. I have several pages of results to prove it. Jen to the rescue! Turns out all he needed was TLC, trailrides, and Jen's home baked horse cookies😊

The boys are on high alert for Jen's cookies

Remy thinks he needs to 'liven up' the trailrides, and puts in some of his shenanigans. Nothing serious though, I guess it's more for entertainment. He has been working really well in our lesson with Vanessa. The frequency has been a bit hit and miss, as I am not trailering when it's snowing, or if the roads are icy. And yes, I'm a bit of a wuss, when the temps are low teens Fahrenheit or below I opt out. It will be Spring eventually. Also, my perspective has definitely changed. I don't sweat the small stuff so much anymore. I used to fret a lot along the lines of:  "OMG, we won't be able to exercise, we'll never be moving up.." And you know what? It really doesn't matter!

Happy New Year everyone!