A reprieve from grief: Riding

When my phone rang at 6 a.m. this morning I had a bad feeling. My heart sank when I saw I had missed a call from my brother Michael. Instantly a WhatsApp message followed: Emil had passed away.

Emil is our dad, and he had been in the hospital after a fall. Nothing broken, but his health declined. He was supposed to go into short term care tomorrow, and I had booked a trip to Germany to see him and to help with arrangements such as finding a senior living apartment for my parents (their 3 story house with narrow staircases is no longer suitable) but alas, he passed away last night. In many ways a blessing, as his biggest fear was to lose his independence or worse, be a helpless 'victim' in a nursing home. 

Still, it hit very hard. Emil was by no means perfect, but he followed his passion -the forests and hunting- until almost the end. Just a few months ago he proudly called me to say he had killed a huge boar with a 'Blattschuss' (one bullet to the heart). 

I never knew many details about his childhood during WWII, but in the last years he opened up a bit more.He worked as a logger and then was able to continue his studies and become a forester. The forests and hunting were his life, followed by his dogs. We always joked that the family came long after these three things. Fiercely loyal to his friends he lost his two best friends to accidents. Helmut, who was much younger than Emil, was like a son to him and his death hit him hard. 

My parents used to come to visit us in the US about once year, until the travel got too much. Both of them are not at all horse people, but Emil took instantly to Saumur. His souvenir from one of the trips: One of Saumur's horse shoes. Emil understood what I meant to have a passion for something, and just lately encouraged me to actually go to Florida and postpone my visit for his birthday. 

So many memories, so much grief. I did decide to go ahead with my lesson on Remy today. I had Roz texted before and was very relieved that everyone at the barn gave me my space. Roz understood what I needed: Focus on Remy to give myself a break. Not to anthropomorphize but I think Remy felt my sadness. He skipped his antics and opinions and was soft, supple, responsive and we had a great lesson. Remy gave me a short reprieve from my grief, and it made me feel closer to my dad. 

"I did it my way": No better way to describe him

Godspeed, Emil!